4 Reasons Why Children Are Not Like Pigs

Everybody - and I mean everybody - has thought of their children as pigs at some stage (George Orwell thought it more than most).

"Oh, you messy pig," I think, as I wipe off the table after dinner with a chisel and paint scraper.
"Oh, you little piglet!" I exclaim, as my two year old son shovels a whole sandwich in his mouth before gagging it all back up, (cue chisel and paint scraper). 
"Oh, you mean pig!" I moan in despair, as I cradle my sobbing one year old daughter who's been hit in the face with a plastic train by her determinedly unashamed brother (as a teen, will he be shaving cats and tagging gravestones? Just one of the nagging fears that will wake a mum at 3am).

It is easy to think of our children as pigs. And yet we shouldn't. Here are four reasons why.

1: Pigs Are Smart

Pigs are incredibly intelligent. They are at number four on the list of intelligent animals - outranked only by elephants, dolphins and chimps. Children do not feature on this list at all. This is why they have to go to school to learn how to do basic stuff, like sharing and sitting cross-legged.
Children do dumb things, like inserting chopsticks into the dehumidifier grill and rendering it unusable, or pooing on your fave tee and rendering it unusable, or jabbing hairpins into light sockets and rendering hairpins, light sockets and themselves, unusable.
Pigs do not.

2: Pigs Are Clean

Give a pig a choice and it will prefer to be clean. The only reason why so many are dirty are because they live in muddy homes. Most children do not live in muddy homes. And yet, given children the same choice, they will choose filth over cleanliness any day. This can be proven by giving your child a wash. Your attempts at basic hygiene will be met with:



Don't clean me! I haven't covered my entire face yet!

a) squirming, wriggling, kicking and hitting
b) bloodcurdling screams of "I hate you, I hate you,"
c) running and hiding, or
d) all of the above.

Pigs do not do this.

3: Pigs Taste Good

Pigs can be turned into many delicious food items. Sausages are cheap and choice. Nothing beats bacon and eggs after a night on the lash. And succulent roast pork with sticky, crunchy crackling is a delight that was surely invented by the gods.
Children do not taste nice. Anyone who has had an intrusive finger jabbed into their mouth on an otherwise inoffensive Sunday lie-in knows that children taste like bogeys, jam, drool and carpet fluff.

4: Pigs Eat Anything 

They will. If doesn't matter if it's rotten or one of their own, pigs will eat it. Children will not. Besides junk food, children will only eat fruit, yoghurt and pasta. Anything else will be thrown, ridiculed, ignored or smeared. Someone should invent fruityyoghurt pasta. They will make a fortune.


So, you can see why it is misleading and incorrect to think of our children as pigs. Some pigs might even consider it hurtful. Therefore, let us not refer to our children as 'messy pigs', 'mean pigs' or 'greedy pigs' ever again. Children are not pigs.
Men, on the other hand...