Two Terrible Twos

When my son became a Terrible Two, it was a slow and gradual thing, like growing fingernails, hardly noticeable at all until he turned 3 and by then he was already oozing his way out of it again.

Not so with my little girl. She hit the TT's with not so much as a hiss and a roar as a scream with fists pounding against the floor. Overnight my sweet, placid, marshmallow-soft baby girl transformed into an expletive-spitting demon. Asking if she wanted toast for breakfast - a request that usually would have been answered with a melodic sing-song "Alwite Mummy," - was instead met with a furrowed brow, an out-thrust lower lip and a petulant (yet ear-shattering) "Nnnnnnnnnnnnno!" followed up with a defiant "Go 'way!" and a crash as the toast hit the floor in a pile of both broken crockery and rose-tinted lenses.

I was not so much outraged as confused. Had I accidentally served her a steaming dog turd? No, a quick check confirmed that yes, it was indeed a buttery piece of additive-free bread, toasted to perfection and slathered with her favourite homemade jam. Then what the - ?

It was while I was hunched over, inspecting bread, jam, broken plate and shattered dreams that she kicked me in the face. Granted, her foot is soft and pudgy and has hardly even been used, but it still managed to deliver a surprising amount of force.
"Go 'way!" she shouted. Quickly I backed out of the room as she began singing 'One, Two, Buckle My Shoe', only it sounded rather too much like the Freddie Krueger version for my liking. And it may have been a trick of the light but I swear her head spun around - just a little.

"She's a changeling!" I whispered in horror to the Universe At Large. "And she's only two!" And then in a blaze of revelatory light it hit me. Two. Of course! The Terrible Two's! Which means that - heave sigh of relief - it's just a phase. Just a phase!

Just a Phase is a lovely expression. It implies that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that one day the phase will eventually be phased out. The Terrible Two's, so the Parenting Blogs tell me, are a fun-filled time of temper tantrums, mood swings and overuse of the word "No!" (hmmm, so, a lot like PMT then). It's a time when children want to be more independent but can't let go of Mummy's leg. They want to do more physically but they can't because their legs and arms don't work properly. And they know what they want - but they can't tell you because they only speak gibberish.

The Terrible Two's must be a hellish time for kids. More hellish for them than it is for parents because we at least understand what's going on in their psychotic little brains and they are just in it, living it, letting the craziness wash over them (perhaps rather like dementia or acid).

Anyway, I resolved then and there to be super kind to my two year old and try and do whatever I can to help her through this trying time. She can't help being a nut-bar. It's just a phase after all and should be over in.... I counted off on my fingers and suddenly realised a hideous truth.

She's not actually two for another three months!!!!